Saturday, July 01, 2006

Your Mom DID Say You'd Go Blind

Eddie Griffin (the Minnesota Timberwolves' bench valet, not the semi-funny comedian) should've heeded mama's warning...

Effective multi-tasking? Emphasising the word effective, that's a skill I envy and admire. Totally futile attempts at multi-tasking? Comedy gold, my friends, comedy gold. If you're too lazy to click on the above link, here's the long and short of it: Griffin crashed his Escalade into a parked Suburban on the curb outside a retail establishment. Immediately prior to that (according to witness' recounting of what Griffin said), he was not only drinking, he was also watching porn on the in-dash DVD player and masturbating.

Laughter and schadenfreude aside, This incident troubles me for two reasons:

ONE: Had it occurred in the off-season, I might have been willing to cut "This Is My Solo Project" Griffin some slack. But I just found out it happened after a freaking game; This was an in-season whack job. How is it possible, given the network of NBA-ready babymamas and other places to put your double-double-a-night goo, that even a borderline Euroleague baller like Griffin couldn't find a girl to "take the wheel" while he actually kept both hands on the wheel and at least an eye on the road? (INTERJECTION: Speaking as someone who's been both a driver and a masturbator for, God, over 20 years? Griffin should have been able to keep at least one eye on the road; no matter the circumstances, I always know where my penis is, within an eighth-inch or so. He couldn't make an educated guess where and what to pull?)

TWO: In the age of perpetually scrolling ESPNNews, where we have conspiracy theories as lurid as "the reason Roger Clemens just now signed with the Astros is because he's secretly serving a 50-day steroid sentence", how did this brilliant event go under the pop-media radar? Was Jimmy Kimmel too busy analyzing how he mangaged to bag Sarah Silverman? Eddie Griffin gets an under-rug special, while gay-ass[**] Michael Strahan gets all of his laundry, clean, dirty, ALL of it aired? This kind of arbitrary scandal-squashing will make me doubt just how sincere someone like Mark Schlereth or Al Michaels is from now on.

(**) I have no doubt in my mind, Mr. Strahan, that your junk is for Ladies Only. Please don't: sue me, slap me, or send your buddy Tiki Barber and his brother Ronde to come to Pensacola and remove every single hot chick from the county.


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