Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Will This Be All The Right Moves or Risky Business?

Coming soon to a theater near you: Mission Impossible 4, only this time with Bronson Pinchot, Rebecca DeMornay, and Joe Pantoliano co-starring with Tom Cruise. Because as new Cruise-enabler Dan Snyder's shown time and time again, he not only prefers things as they were when he was growing up, but he'll pay to see them again.

And while I think this venture's actually a good one for Redskins owner Snyder (Cruise films still make money, despite his lunacy. Paramount just wasn't making enough money after paying Cruise his cut), I wonder what ideas he's been keeping in his deep pockets, right next to the checkbook...

From: "Daniel Snyder" the.danald@redksins.net
To: "Tom Cruise" praise.lron@cruise.net
RE: Quick thoughts on First & Goal Pictures

Hey Tom:

Couldn't sleep last night, what with my fantasy league team getting stomped 41-0 and all. ;) Had some thoughts I wanted to run by you.

1. I love this one. How about charging the film crews, from the director on down, $6 a day for watching the film being made? It'd be matinee prices, really, and based on my past experience charging admission to Redskins training camp, everybody's willing to pay. We could just deduct it from their last check or something. I'll have my "movie guy" check into whether this would count as box office.

2. I'd love to see a remake of All The Right Moves, only this time, call Craig T. Nelson's character "Coach Joe Gibbs" and tweak the story a little so it's more about the year the Redskins signed a guy named Danny Weurffel (who you'd be perfect for--he was just a bit taller than you) and he led them to a Super Bowl title.

3. Could give me Penelope Cruz' home number, or maybe just her e-mail address? I'd be interested in knowing how much it would cost to get her in a Redskins cheerleader outfit. For charity, of course.

4. This last one would really need to be kept just between you and me: I need to sign Tom Brady to my team, but I can't give him the signing bonus and salary he'd require without violating our league salary cap (I know, it's unfathomable that somebody can't make whatever someone else will pay. Don't get me started). Think we could make him the bad guy in Mission Impossible 4 or 5, and pay him $15-20 million? I think that would be a nice little incentive for him to come to D.C.

Sorry to bombard you with all of these. Take some time to think my ideas over and get back to me when you get a chance. Trading deadline is Week 6.

Gotta go make some money!


Friday, August 18, 2006

Tim Watches the News

The Story:
An appeals judge ruled the President and the NSA's wiretapping sans warrants illegal.

My response:

Big deal.

The NSA and The W knew it was illegal the entire time. They didn't care then, and they don't care now. Truth be told, I don't care all that much. I do sympathize with anyone who didn't have anything to hide that may have been eavesdropped upon in this manner. However, unless a fed's wiretapping led directly to your wife finding out about your threesome-that-didn't-involve-her, or some other embarrassing pecadilloes, are you (and your all-important liberties) damaged, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you. "If the President is allowed to do this, then the next step is having GPS chips installed in babies born near the border, and then he'll start arresting people who write in blogs calling him "The W", and..." Spare me. If this ruling tells us anything, it's that people are keeping an eye out for just that kind of foolishness. Don't get involved with things that mess with other people's safety and rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of Rachel Bilson (uh, that last one's just me) and The Pres' disregard for the law won't really ruin your weekend.

The Story:

Some degenerate pedophile confesses to killing Jonbenet Ramsey 10 years ago.

My response:

This guy's out of his goddamned mind. And I'm impressed that the media has already focused their coverage in that direction. The case is 10 years old and I immediately had questions for him during that beyond-bizarre press conference. Unfortunately, I don't think he could hear me over the din:

Why now?

How do you accidentally kill a small child with a garotte? That's like saying, "she fell on a knife 14 times".

Where did you train for this mission? You must be a pretty agile and speedy pervert, what with breaking into the house, committing these horrible acts, and writing, revising, and rewriting a ransom note. All without waking anyone or leaving evidence that you'd gone through several rooms in a house you'd never been in before. Why then, with all that skill, didn't you leave behind pedophilia for a much easier career robbing museums and casinos like Danny Ocean?

It was Christmas--was Santa your accomplice? Now that's a lot more believable.